


Finding Ourselves

by pinkpuddless



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Aang is highkey a therapist at this point, Awkward Flirting, Awkwardness, Bisexual Sokka (Avatar), Bisexuality, Coming Out, Demisexuality, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Gay, Internalized Homophobia, Iroh (Avatar) is a Good Uncle, M/M, Minor Aang/Katara, Minor Mai/Zuko, Minor Sokka/Suki, Not Canon Compliant - The Legend of Korra, Slow Romance, Zuko (Avatar) is an Idiot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:35:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24991630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkpuddless/pseuds/pinkpuddless
Summary: In 3 years since peace was established across the world, Zuko has learned 3 things:1. Many people aren't super fond of the new, hip Fire Lord ruling over their precious nation2. People can have love interests that aren't exactly super heterosexual...3. Sokka might be a little bit cute
Relationships: Sokka/Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 29
Kudos: 116





	1. Cutting Ties

**Author's Note:**

> hello friends! decided it was high time to jump on this here zukka train. I really hope you enjoy! <3 this is just the first chapter, setting things up. I plan to update again tomorrow with a lot more unpacking!
> 
> **also, I haven't seen LOK, so none of this story will be canon-compliant to that show

The palace halls were quiet, save for the click of his heels against the polished marble floor. Torches flicked on the walls, and the fire danced as he passed, almost jumping from its wick to follow him. He felt its pull at his fingertips, recognizing the familiar warmth that bled from the center of his belly all the way to his extremities. He let one flame leap from its torch and dance across each tip of his finger as he walked, rolling the fire across his palm as if it were a ball. The robes he was wearing skimmed the floor just barely, already slightly shorter than they had been a couple months ago. Zuko turned a corner, and another, and opened the doors in front of him. Here, a great table sat, with chairs on every side of it, only half of them filled. The council stood at his entry, but he waved his hand dismissively and once again they sat, any previous conversation halted. 

The men sitting before Zuko now were mostly handpicked by him and his close advisors, seeing as how the old council was stupid enough to denounce their new Fire Lord and remain loyal to Ozai and his cause. Imprisoned though they were, Zuko still sat at the head of the table with prickles of anxiety running down his skin. 2 or 3 of the men before him were council to his father, too. What was to say there wasn't some coup happening right under his nose? He pushed away the thought, though, as he always did, and began his business. 

About an hour, Zuko guessed, into the meeting, the door swung open again and a woman walked in, a servant of the upper class whom Zuko recognized from the halls. She bowed at her interruption, and while some of the men turned with disdain lacing their face and pooling in their eyes, Zuko waved his hand for her to bring the scroll she held to him. A black ribbon encased it, tied in a knot, not a bow. He stowed it in an inner pocket of his robes and continued, letting the huge door click closed after the servant, ignoring how the disdain seemed to linger when the councilmen turned their eyes back on their Prince. 

Things were far from easy ever since control of the Fire Nation had been turned to Zuko. 

In the wake of Fire Lord Ozai's capture and imprisonment, and the subsequent imprisonment of most of the police force and guard of the palace, civil unrest and disagreement was loud and impossible to ignore. Insane as it seemed, many inhabitants of the Fire Nation backed Ozai even beyond his end, mostly due to their wealth and status coming from Ozai's reign in the nation. They thought that the war should continue, that the Fire Nation still was fit to rule the entirety of the world. That the Earth Kingdom, Ba Sing Se, was just in their grasp. 

That a 16 year old was in no way fit to rule the nation, let alone one who had been banished for the past year and wasn't even wanted by the previous royal family. 

New laws, new law enforcement, new prisons, even, had to be made in a span of days to avoid the threat of a civil uprising. It was impossible to tell what percentage of the Fire Nation was against him, let alone what percentage of _that_ percentage was willing to be upfront about their dissent. He knew people were living under his rule, under his nose, seething, raging, possibly plotting. In the palace, he lived under constant watch. When he stepped onto a balcony, there were guards on every corner. So he stopped stepping out to the balconies. 

Instead, he had rooms renovated inside the palace. In fact, he had most of the palace renovated. He did away with the old throne room. He turned old bedrooms into tea rooms, with tables and cushions to lounge on and kettles always boiling. He made new quarters for Iroh, though Iroh wasn't always around. He still ran the Jasmine Dragon in the Earth Kingdom, which Zuko was incredibly happy for him. But he often sat on the huge bed in that room, looking at the art he had hand picked just for his uncle. Wishing he was here, so that things didn't seem so daunting. 

Beyond the Fire Nation, his rule was much more accepted - more out of necessity than actual admiration. Every other nation was just happy for Ozai's reign to be terminated. They couldn't really give a damn who took the Fire Nation's throne next, as long as he wasn't out for blood like the last one. But nonetheless, Zuko appreciated visiting other nations much more than he even enjoyed living in his own. In the Earth Kingdom, people bowed and smiled and cheered at his arrival. Zuko made a point to visit as many places as he physically could and greet the people there within his first month as Fire Lord, apologizing, thanking them, assuring them that peace is here and that they would rebuild. The Avatar would help them rebuild. 

Ah, yes, the Avatar. 

Aang, no doubt, was just as busy as he was, perhaps even more. But he didn't show his stress and fatigue the way that Zuko did. Zuko gained rings under his eyes, his hair would get tangled and greasy. His back would arch into a tired slump. Every time he saw Aang, the kid was just as chipper as the boy penguin sledding at the South Pole a year and some change ago. 

Aang was off doing a lot of things; mainly, though, he was rebuilding the air temple communities. In the first few weeks after the peace, he took Appa around the world and pinned all the places with severely displaced, impoverished, or weakened communities on a map. He spent days at the air templed, fixing them, cleaning them, rebuilding what was destroyed. And now, 2 months into the peace, he had begun caravanning those people to the temples, setting up their new homes, their new lives. Hoping every single day that another Airbender would one day come and live among the new communities he was creating. 

Katara and Sokka travelled with him for a while, helping him establish his to-do list and making sure he was set up with the tools he needed to succeed. Then, they got dropped off at the North Pole and began working with the elders there to reestablish connection to their sister tribe. The South Pole was in desperate need of assistance, in population, in resources, in infrastructure and bending abilities. They became the diplomats for the Southern Water Tribe, traveling back and forth whenever possible, usually taking people from the north back with them to begin the process. 

Toph was in the Earth Kingdom along with Suki; Suki travelled with Sokka and the rest briefly, but soon took the rest of the Kyoshi warriors back with her to Kyoshi Island. There, along with Ty Lee, they began rebuilding and sending units across the perimeter of the kingdom, teaching, sharing the story of peace, reestablishing the tiny towns on the map that had been wiped out by war. Toph was (mostly) back to her life of fighting in underground competitions - aside from Katara helping her establish a class at the earth bending school to begin to share the art of metal bending. She also met frequently with the diplomats and the new Earth King to ensure that the metaphorical walls of Ba Sing Se were being destroyed. That the people were being educated of the world, of what happened and of where the world was heading now. 

They were all so far apart. 

As Zuko watched the councilmen file out one by one from their meeting, he absently rolled up scrolls and maps and forms for him to review, letting his heart clench at the thought of his friends so distant from him. Though no less busy and no less stressed than he was, at least they were out there. At least they were free. 

His fingers brushed the scroll tied with the black ribbon in his pocket and he pulled it out as the door closed for the last time, Zuko finally alone at the long table. He slid the ribbon from the parchment and, after pocketing it, unrolled the scroll and read. 

In handwriting that was graceful, but a little forced, to the point where you could see the pressure of the ink on the parchment, Zuko's eyes scanned Mai's message. 

_"Zuko,_

_Meet me in our place at sundown tonight._

_I'll even bring your favorite food._

_Don't blow me off._

_Yours,_

_Mai"_

A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth as he rolled the note back up and stowed it away next to its ribbon. 

He stood, and the chair beneath him squeaked on his polished, marble floor. 

\---

The palace halls buzzed with the conversations of the staff as they walked briskly by. The fire from the torches danced, illuminated by the sun which was setting swiftly outside the large, glass windows. _Click, click_ , his heels went along the marbled floor. Today marked 3 years since his coronation, and the announcement of the end of the war. 

Zuko's hair was down, released from its tight upknot which it had been in all day, and was sitting in a stiff mess on top of his head. It was shorter now, the strands tickling the tops of his ears. they had to pin most of it up when he needed to tie it into its more regal style. Loose pants billowed a bit around his knees as the breeze from his brisk walk blew them, and the robe around his neck streamed out behind him like he was a superhero. He quickened his pace as to not be late, seeing the sun quickly disappearing behind the horizon. 

Swinging the doors open, Zuko found Mai lounged across the cushions, facing the sunset. She had cut her hair recently so it came to rest neatly around her shoulders. Sections were tied off into her trademark top knots. 

"You're late." Her voice accompanied the click of the doors behind him. He couldn't help the small smirk his mouth pulled into at the words. 

"Sorry," was all he said. 

He sat down on the cushion next to her and picked up a little cup of tea she must have poured him. It steamed gently, the heat seeming to soak right into his veins. As he drank, he made eye contact with Mai, who seemed to be looking at him expectantly. With a hint of urgency, he leaned down and kissed her. 

"What did you want to talk about?" Zuko put his hand into his pocket and thumbed the black ribbon that sat there, still knotted. Mai sat up and leaned her weight onto one arm.

"I'm biromantic." she says, deadpan. Although, everything she said tended to be deadpan. Zuko set down his cup.

"What?"

"I'm biromantic." She repeated, her gaze never leaving his. "And demisexual." 

Zuko's mind was spinning, his pulse quickening, heartbeat beating in the pads of his fingers. 

"I - I don't understand-"

"It means I'm attracted to both men and women." She finally removed her eyes from Zuko's and picked up her own tea, sipping it nonchalantly, as if Zuko wasn't currently spiraling trying to decipher what the hell was going on.

"Attracted to both-" he stuttered and stopped again. Mai put her hand over Zuko's. 

"I know this could be hard to understand, but I've thought about it for a very long time now. And it's right for you to know. I wanted you to know." She picked up his hand and laced their fingers together. Zuko let her, his mind reeling. 

"I know how stifled things were growing up in this prison." She continues. She trains her eyes to the floor now. "It's why I've only been able to realize this now, after things have changed. After we've seen the world, and the world has seen us."

"What does this mean for me?" Zuko's voice comes out clipped, strained. Mai's eyes lock back onto his like lasers, knives cutting holes into his head. 

"What do you mean 'for you'? It was just something I figured that you would want to know about me. I know it could take you some time to think over and understand, but I figured you would at least support me-"

"Support you?" Zuko scrambles for words. Something in is stomach is turning and rolling and making him feel dizzy. "Mai, I- I love you more than anything. There's nothing you could ever do to stop that."

Mai's shoulders relax. As much as they normally do, anyway. 

"But I'm just - just-"

"Confused. I know. It's confusing. I can explain it to you, if you want me to?"

Zuko is about to say yes, but balks, almost biting his tongue. He doesn't understand what's coming over him. Unconsciously, he takes his hand from Mai's, the storm rolling around his insides growing stronger. 

Anything outside of a straight, man and woman marriage was nonexistent to him his entire life. The thought crossed his mind growing up - two boys getting crushes the way that him and Mai did, but it was only ever a day dream. And to be fair, he didn't even really feel the crush the way that Mai said she did. But Mai was pretty, and Azula was relentless, and they worked well together. 

It wasn't until his banishment that Zuko witnessed homosexual relationships, and the experience was - it shocked him, hit him like a punch in the gut. In one of the tiny Earth Kingdom villages they had stopped in for supplies, within the first month of them leaving the Fire Nation, two men ran past chasing a small child. When they caught her, she screamed and laughed and they hugged, together, as a family. One kissed the other on the cheek. 

It would be lying to say Zuko didn't replay that memory in his head over and over, night after night, reevaluating his entire worldview for weeks.

Zuko pictured the boys in his classes when he was young. Pictured their hair, the way their hands were rougher, the shape of their shoulders. 

But he always tried to circle back to Mai. He loved Mai. Really, he loved her. 

It was practically his mantra during those nights where all he could do was daydream. 

He witnessed relationships like this many times in his travels, for a while seeing at least one gay couple in every village they stopped at. Dozens of nights, he almost went to Uncle Iroh's quarters and asked him about those types of relationships, those types of people, but he never had the courage to. He never wanted to be embarrassed. 

It had been years since then. Zuko was way beyond not knowing of the existence of gay people. But clearly, there was a wide world of sexuality he was unfamiliar with. One which Mai had been reading up on, or asking around about. One that deep in his chest, Zuko wished he could read up on, too. 

But instead, all of this played through Zuko's head in a microsecond and he answered "No, that's fine. You don't need to explain it to me. I'm not a child."

Mai balled the hand he abandoned into a fist. It wasn't angry, just abandoned. 

"Zuko, I don't mean to hurt you with this."

"You haven't hurt me." Zuko answers, eyes swimming in the darkness outside of the window, trying to form shapes out of nothing. He feels Mai's hand rest on his shoulder.

"I am afraid I might though."

Zuko turns, lightening fast, to face her. The fire flickering on the torches suddenly seems charged, white hot. He can feel it calling, feel his fingers ache for that familiar warmth. The emotions rolling through him pull at his bending like a magnet, begging for it to come out. He steadies himself. 

"What do you mean?"

"You know that I love you. More than anything. I love you enough that I would do anything in the world for you." She says, carefully maintaining eye contact with him, noting perhaps the emotions he's pressing down glowing in his eyes. 

"I think we should take a break."

The words he somehow, in the very recesses of his brain, knew were coming, roll over him like a tidal wave and extinguish the fire building to spark across his fingers. 

"I'm 20 years old, Zuko, and I haven't taken a single moment to explore who I even am." She speaks quickly now, getting the thoughts out before Zuko can speak again. She didn't have to worry, though. Zuko's tongue was held. 

"I've discovered this part of myself I've yet to explore. I want to explore it. I want to - I want space. From this. From us."

"You want to date women?"

The words tumblr from his lips before he can stop them. He didn't intend for them to sound accusatory, or stinging, but they do. Mai tilts her head. 

"Perhaps. Yes. I might want to date women."

"You're breaking up with me?"

Mai's mouth presses into a thin line. "I love you, Zuko. Always have, always will. Maybe, once I figure out who I am, we can come back together someday. It's not a goodbye forever."

Zuko stands. He doesn't know what to think. He doesn't know what to do. He trains his gaze perfectly ahead of him. 

"Goodnight, Mai. Thank you for the tea."

Mai doesn't say a word as he walks to the door. 

"I love you." he says, almost whispers, hand covering the handle. 

He turns it and leaves. Mai stares at her tea. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new chapters will be coming, so stay tuned! I can't wait to hear what y'all think of it ~
> 
> i promise, zuko's gonna figure his shit out, don't you worry, baby boy just been sheltered and suppressed all his life


	2. Visitor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome back zukka renaissance gang, enjoy a (slightly) shorter chapter here! next one is already in the works ~

Zuko didn't sleep that night. Rather, he laid awake and stared at the ceiling of his bedroom, both thinking too much and hardly thinking at all.

He rose when the sun did and walked briskly through the halls of the palace, desperate to reach the training grounds before anyone, servants or otherwise, spotted him and roped him into important Fire Lord business. He was absently aware of the date and what the day before him held in the way of meetings and such, but was too far drowned in his own head to pay much attention.

The training room was a large, square complex with a glass roof to let in the sun. The walls were a burnt orange color, and the floor was padded in some spot and concrete in others. Zuko removed the robe from around his shoulders and pulled the drawstring tighter on his pants, his shoulders bare but chest covered by a loose fitting tank top. In the square space, he already felt a familiar warmth and peace come over him.

At this hour, the room was emtpy, and so he stepped to the very middle and planted his feet, forming his hands into fists which rested, poised, at his hips. He breathed a long, deep breath.

It was like lava, molten metal or liquid gold that flowed inside of him. The heat in his belly pooled slowly, gracefully as he centered his breathing. The feeling gave him chills as the pure power surged through his veins, the hair on the back of his neck and arms standing on end. As soon as the feeling reached his finger tips, he erupted, fire sparking and arching its way across the room.

He had no idea how long he stayed in that room, practicing, focusing, letting every neuron in his brain think about his stance, his technique, his breathing rather than anything else. Any time a thought wandered, his foot would catch an invisible thread and he would stumble, so he forced his brain into an iron grip of focus. The sun rose slowly over his head, its rays fueling him. 

Right as he finished his um-teenth set and straightened himself, lowering his hands palm down as he exhaled, his ear twitched to the click of the door behind him opening. 

"State your business." he spoke, eyes closed, palms down. Sweat dropped from a loose piece of hair into the mat below him.

"Did you forget what today was?"

Zuko's eyes popped open and he spun around, assuming a fighting stance out of habit as his eyes found the familiar blues and browns of his friend.

"Katara!" 

As Zuko straightened out of his stance, she ran from the threshold and enveloped the taller boy in a hug, before quickly releasing him. "Ugh, spirits, you smell." Her eyes twinkled as she smiled. Zuko couldn't help but admire her beauty, as her hair fell long against her chest and her lips pulled neatly into a grin. 

"Well, I've had a long morning." he replied, moving away from her to grab his robe where he had discarded it. He slung it through the crook of his arm and held out the other elbow, halfway joking, but at this point, halfway just honoring their usual habits. She took his arm in her hand and they began to walk. 

"There's no way it's already been 3 weeks." he says as they leave the training grounds. Servants mill about in throngs now in the hallways. The sun approaches the middle of the sky. Zuko strains to decipher how long he had actually been in there training. He does smell. 

"6 since I've seen you." Katara clarifies. "But 3 since Aang and Toph were last here." 

In the course of their 3 years since peace was established, the gaang (as Sokka still insisted they be called) set up a system of keeping in touch. They send messenger hawks often, but as a vow, at least one person from the group, sometimes more if possible, would visit the palace of the Fire Lord to see Zuko every 3 weeks. Unlike his friends, Zuko didn't have the luxury of travelling the world. The rest of the gaang saw each other in passing or working on missions sometimes for months at a time, but due to Zuko's duties, he rarely left the Fire Nation, let alone the palace. So, as a way to remedy this isolation (and, as sworn by the rest of the group unbeknownst to Zuko, to check in on his physical and mental well being while the rest of them couldn't) if someone was in the area or was able to take a detour to the Fire Nation every third week, they would. Sometimes everyone's lives would line up, and the palace was buzzing with Aang's airbending, Sokka's stupid jokes, and Toph and Katara's bickering. Zuko especially liked that chaos. But he also especially liked when Aang would visit, just him and Appa and Momo, and the two would sit and drink tea and simply talk. They would sit in silence, even. Just enjoying the other's company. 

3 weeks prior, Aang and Toph, working in the Earth Kingdom to find and arrest a group of dissenters who were threatening the safety of the outer villages, had flown on Appa to come and see Zuko. The 3 sparred in the training room and ate huge meals for 3 nights in a row. Then Zuko had to see them off, like he always did, watching his friends fly off to distant lands he was beginning to forget the colors of. 

"How long are you here?" Zuko broached, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. He loved all of his friends, but there was something particularly lucky for Katara to be showing up on his doorstep the day after his whole heart had been disassembled and taped back together. She had a certain way of getting him to talk about his feelings. 

"I'm afraid just for tonight." Her sadness was plain in her voice and across her face. "I'm sorry, Zuko, but I'm right in the middle of sailing to the North Pole to attend a council with Paku and-"

"Don't be sorry." He held up his hand, silencing her. "It's just good to see you."

She smiled, and they rounded a corner to a hallway which led to a variety of dining halls. "I'm sure you're hungry?" he asked.

"Starving."

\---

Zuko was pulled away in every different direction for the remainder of the day, and it wasn't until dusk was beginning to fall that he finally broke free and found Katara in her usual quarters. 

"Mind if I come in?" He asked, knocking and cracking the door open a smidge. Katara was sitting on a cushion, carefully braiding her hair into sections. 

"Those look terrible."

Katara gives a face of mock anger. "Well, sorry I'm not a hairstylist!" She swiftly rakes her fingers through the messy braids and the strands fall flat again against her chest. She turns away so her back is to him, and without a word, Zuko kneels behind her and begins braiding. It had become a routine of their's after Katara found out he used to practice on Mai when they were kids. 

Right. Mai.

"So what's on your mind?" Katara asks, staring out the window before her. The sun peeks over the mountains in the distance. Spires of Fire Nation buildings pierce the light and fragment it across the floor.

"What do you mean? Nothing's on my mind."

"Zuko."

His fingers work diligently, separating her hair and expertly braiding it. She handed him small beads as he finished each section so he could tie them off. He didn't want to have the conversation that was teetering on the edge of his lips, because he knew where it would head, and spirits above he did not want to go there. He couldn't face that yet. 

He could lie, and Katara would know he was lying. But she would let it drop. He could avoid this.

But for how long?

So instead, he decides to bite the bullet.

"Mai broke up with me." he says, and his voice doesn't sound sad like he thinks it's supposed to. 

"What?" Katara spins her head around to face him, making him lose his grip on a braid. He watches it fall back apart, and gives he a pointed glare. As she turns back around, she says, "Why? Did something happen between you two?"

"No, nothing between us. At least, not that I know of."

"Well then why?"

Zuko sucks the inside of his cheek between his teeth and chews on it. Would Mai even want someone like Katara knowing this? But what else was he supposed to say?

"She - wanted to see other people. For a while."

"What-" Katara sputters out some half-finished words. "Why on earth would she- I don't-"

"She wanted to start seeing women. She's biromantic."

Katara is cut off by Zuko's explanation, and she's quiet for a moment.

Zuko isn't stupid. He has a general idea of how the nations around the world work. He knows that homosexuality was banned in the Fire Nation under Sozin. He knows that Under his father's empire, homosexuality was no longer a crime, but was heavily stigmatized and frowned upon. It was why no one ever told him what it was. Why he never witnessed it in the nation growing up. Because of the fear. The threat of punishment, despite its legality. Zuko knows that homosexual marriage isn't legal in the Earth Kingdom, but in all of the cities not as strict and conservative as say Ba Sing Se, homosexual relationships are extremely common and not given much of a second glance. He knows that the water tribes are traditional, and strict, but many a strong Water Tribe Chief has taken a male lover to his bed. He knows that while marriage and homosexual familial units may not be as common as they are in the Earth Kingdom, the idea of someone having sexual or romantic tendencies to someone of the same gender is normal, almost expected. Zuko doesn't know hardly anything about what the Air Nomads used to believe, but he knows Aang. And Aang is about the most loving, accepting person probably in the whole of the world. 

He knows all these things. But that is about where the extent of his knowledge stops. 

He can take a pretty confident guess in what bisexuality is, and from there, "biromantic" isn't hard to decipher either. But Mai had identified herself as something else - "demisexual" he thinks it was - and Zuko didn't have the faintest idea what that could possibly mean. He has no idea how common the concept of bisexuality or being biromantic is, so even past Katara's motherly nature, acceptance, and familiarity with homosexuality in a way that Zuko is not, he has no idea what she's about to say. 

"Well - my confusion still stands as to why someone would ever dream of leaving you." The words are meant to be kind, but for some reason, they twist a knife somewhere into Zuko's gut that he wasn't expecting. His fingers falter twisted her hair. 

"She said she - needed to figure herself out. Figure out who she really is. Something like that." His voice is soft and monotone, trying to be relatively devoid of detectable emotion. He ties the last bead in place and sits on his butt, folding his legs in front of him. Katara spins around, and this is so much worse when those big blue doe eyes are looking right into his soul. He almost immediately regrets telling her just to avoid the best friend conversation that's about to come. 

"I suppose that's fair. The Fire Nation is so - suppressed," she says, taking a braid in her hand and playing with the tuft of hair at the end. "I can't imagaine growing up here under your father's rule, under that fear and hatred."

Zuko nods, sort of absently. 

"How are you feeling about this?" she asks him. Zuko shrugs and breaks their eye contact. The shrug is both a deflection and the truth. He doesn't know how he feels. 

"What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you think about being apart from Mai?"

"Relief." The word comes falling out of his mouth like water, as if hid friend across from him just pulled it out. He can't ignore the surprise on Katara's face and tries to backpeddle faster than he thinks possible. 

"I mean - relief that I won't have to keep setting aside time for a relationship. I have so many duties to see to during the day and-"

"Zuko."

"I'm really fucking sad, to be losing her, and confused-"

"Zuko!" Katara puts her hand on Zuko's knee. Physical contact really isn't his thing, but he lets it slide for things like this. For letting Katara walk with her arm in his, for letting Aang clap him on the back after a good spar, for letting Sokka grab his wrist to pull him along faster through the halls of the palace. The thought of Sokka twists the knife in his gut a little further in, but he can't fathom why except for the fact that he hasn't seen the boy in months. He's been too busy overseeing the fortification and reconstruction of the Southern Water Tribe, according to the occasional letter he receives from him. Zuko let's himself look back at Katara, and her eyes speak for her; _you can talk to me._

"I'm confused." he says again, more sure of the word. 

"Which part are you confused about?"

"All of it? I don't know-" he feels his temper rising and the molten lava in his veins igniting, so he breaths and settles it. The warmth still pools in this stomach, though. Katara's hang on his knee is ice cold, either in real life or in comparison to the heat of his own skin. It feels a bit like an anchor. 

"Is it the biromantic part that confuses you? Or the part about her being willing to break it off with you for the moment." Katara's words tread lightly, almost as if she can feel Zuko's anger bubbling under the surface. She knows he isn't mad at her, just mad in general. Mad at the world, as he tends to be. Mad at Mai. 

"It doesn't - hurt me to know she wants to break it up." he says carefully. "But it confuses me that I'm not hurt." Zuko is dodging Katara's clarification. 

"Did you love her?"

"Yes - I do. I always have. We just work together."

Katara drums her fingers on the floor beside her. "She's the only person you've ever dated, right?"

Zuko swallows. "Yeah. Azula set us up when we were just kids."

Katara nods slowly. Zuko can see the gears turning in her head, and it scares him a bit. He's not quite sure why. 

"So you've been dating for years, but you're not hurt because of the breakup? Did you -" she measures her words. "Are you sure that you.." she pauses again. His temper flares like the sun, knowing what she's asking.

"Yes, Katara, of fucking course I'm sure that I loved her. I wouldn't have dated her this long if I didn't."

She takes her hand off of his knee and nods. "Zuko, I know, I'm sorry for implying you didn't." She tries to diffuse his anger. "Were you two sexually involved?"

Zuko's face reddens immediately. "Katara, what-!?" and she laughs, knowing it would loosen him up. But she was serious in her query, and looked at him with an arched eyebrow, expectant. Zuko swallows and tries to calm back down. 

"Once or twice, we did, but it wasn't really - a thing we did a lot. She wasn't super interested in it."

Zuko doesn't tell her about the fact that both of the times they had had sex, Zuko had been terrified the entire time, and hadn't gotten off, either. That was probably the reason Mai didn't want to ever do it - he was terrible, and most likely made her uncomfortable. The blush deepened on his face. 

They went on like this for a little while, Katara asking him about him and Mai's relationship, and eventually, she consoled him and did the best friend thing he had been dreading - telling him how good he is, how he'll find someone else, how he's a catch and he'll get over Mai soon. He didn't really want to hear any of that, but he let her speak, and eventually, even, let her hug him before he left her room. 

It was pitch dark now, and tonight, Zuko actually slept. The exhaustion and confusion in his eyelids pulled them shut and he was a rock until morning. 

\---

At the docks, Zuko stood with Katara in his arms, wrapping her in a big hug. "Travel safely." he said. "And good luck. It was so good to see you. Send my best to the others if you cross paths."

"It was good to see you too, Zuko. It always is." she pulls back and shoulders her bag, hair wavy from last night's braids. Beginning to step back to board, she turns again. 

"Zuko, I think you should go visit Aang. He's at the Southern Air Temple. I think he'd be able to give you some really good advice about all of this." She gestures vaguely at Zuko. The gesture and comment give him a moment of pause, but he breaks through it. 

"Katara, you know how near impossible it is for me to get time away from the Fire Nation and I-" 

"You need a break, Zuko."

 _Can handle 'this' on my own,_ he was going to finish, but didn't get to. He was also suspicious that he wouldn't be able to 'handle it'. Zuko hesitated. 

"Katara-"

"Please, Zuko. For me. Go take a vacation. See Aang. See his work on the temple. You won't believe what it looks like now. He'll be able to give you advice I can't." she smiles. "Please."

Zuko chews the inside of his mouth. 

"Maybe. I'll have to make arrangements with Iroh to-"

"Oh, Zuko, thank you." she hugs him again. This time, he's stiff, not having anticipated another hug so soon after the first. "I think you really need this."

Softly, almost soft enough to wear Katara couldn't hear him, he replied, "I think I need this, too." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never been a zutara shipper, but I've always thought these two would be really good friends - I just like a fire/water dynamic, I guess ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> I PINKY promise that sokka is coming soon. real soon. stay tuned ;)


	3. Heart to Heart

The journey to the Southern Air Temple was a long one, and that was putting it lightly. For days, weeks, Zuko drifted at sea, the waves crashing against the hull of his ship. He watched the sun rise and set. Watched the landscapes drift past him. Watched his crew cook and dash about through the underbelly of the ship, ensuring a safe travel. He watched the guards atop their keeps, keeping watch, always training their eyes on the horizon. 

Zuko couldn't help but be reminded of his banishment.

But now, he thought, now he was seeking the Avatar for something beyond his own honor, his own destiny, even revenge. He was seeking him for advice. Council. His friendship. 

It was no secret how close Zuko and Aang had become. While Katara was able to pull his feelings out like water from a spout, and was always allowed to hug him no matter how he was feeling, Aang was who Zuko considered his best friend. The friend he would keep no matter what happened in the world. The wisest person he knew, the one everyone always went to for advice. 

Hell, the kid was still only 15.

So as he sailed, he did so with a happiness in his chest that comforted him, knowing his destination was a friendly face. 

He also sailed in agony, though. 

Katara was clearly onto something he wasn't. Why would she recommend he go to Aang for council? It was just a breakup. That was it. But Zuko knew it wasn't really just that. Deep down, he knew there were bigger things at play here. Why else would he have set out as soon as possible to go south? He always wanted out of the palace, out into the fresh air of the world, but as soon as Iroh had arrived and things were set up to be cared for in his absence, he was aboard a boat and gone. Zuko thought now about his uncle in his room at the palace. He hoped that he enjoyed the paintings. 

Zuko approached a servant aboard the deck. "How far from arrival are we?" he asked. The servant jumped, not having noticed the Fire Lord's presence. 

"A few more hours, my Lord. We will reach the temple before sundown."

Zuko nodded, and stepped away, placing his hands on the rail and gazing up at the sun, high in the sky. 

\---

Zuko had never been so happy to see Appa in his life. 

Climbing aboard the great saddle of the bison, he was quickly enveloped in the arms of the young air bender, and could hear Momo's chattering as the animal skittered onto his shoulder. 

"Zuko! I'm so, so happy you could make it!" Appa took off into the sky, heading toward the spires of the temple. They were leaving the boat a bit of a way off, docked at a nearby village where the crew could restock and wait for Zuko's return. He was only planning on staying for a couple of days, a week at most. Most of his time away would be spent at sea. 

The temple was gleaming. Fog rolled around the great towers, and to Zuko's great surprise (thought he knew of Aang's recent missions), groups of people milled about, walking, playing games, spread out on blankets eating dinners. There was a soft hum to the temple that Zuko hadn't ever seen before. There was life here, everywhere. Plants growing. Animals braying. People living. 

"Aang, this is-" he doesn't finish the thought, taking in the sights from Appa. Aang's smile is blinding.

"it's incredible, isn't it?" and his voice drips with pride. "Come on, I'll bring you somewhere to eat. I'm sure that you're hungry. You can tell me all about your travel here."

And Zuko does. They sit across from each other and do what they always do in the Fire Nation palace - they drink tea (which Zuko prepares), eat food, and chat, the gaps in conversation filled by peaceful silence. Zuko sighs. 

"It's good to be away from home for a short while. Katara was right." he says, and takes a sip. Aang smiles. 

"She usually is."

"How are you two?"

Aang gets a fierce blush across his cheeks and on the tip of his nose. He's grown into his face more, Zuko can see it. Much to his dismay, Aang is quickly catching him in height. "We're good," he says. "Great, even. Katara, she-" he sighs, and Zuko is almost sick from the amount of lovey-dovey gush that he can see in Aang's eyes. "She's the greatest thing to ever happen to me."

"Wow, ouch. Thought that title was reserved for me." A smile pulls at the corners of Zuko's lips. Aang laughs, and his laugh is light and loud, as it always is. When he stops, he leans forward and rests his hands on the table. 

"Katara sent me some letters telling me you'd be coming, and she - well she, sort of gave me the run down on why you'd be coming..." he trails off, clearly embarrassed that he knows what happened through a second hand source. Zuko looks somewhere else. 

"How much did she tell you?"

"Everything, I think." Aang sort of shrugs. "That Mai broke up with you. That she wants to figure herself out, date other people, possibly women. That you're confused, but also relieved."

Zuko cringes. "That part wasn't supposed to get out."

Aang scooches forward. "What, that you're relieved? Actually, Zuko, I think that's the most important part in all of this. Let's talk."

Zuko snorts. "Haven't we already been doing that?" Aang ignores him, and keeps talking. 

"Listen, Zuko, I can't imagine what it was like growing up in the Fire Nation. Beyond that, the sort of life you lived growing up in your father's household, under his rules, and before that, your grandfather's rules -" he shakes his head, and his eyes are deeply sorrowful. Zuko can't help but look at the deep grayness of them. "There was no room to be different. No room to be unique. No room to be - you. And for Mai, the same applied. You couldn't ever experiment, or hypothesize, or even think about anything besides what you'd been taught because to do so would be breaking the rules, even to yourself."

Zuko can feel where this is headed, and the fire in his veins boils. But only slightly. He can't tell why he's angry. At this point, he just assumes any strong emotion riles his bending, his temper. Perhaps it's fear. Aang takes a pause, and a deep breath. 

"The air nomads took a very different approach to life than the Fire Nation did, at least Sozin and Ozai's Fire Nation. I can't speak for the fire benders before then. But in the air nomad culture, love is something deeply spiritual. All things spiritual are explored in very deep detail as you grow up. The monks taught us to sit and meditate and do self evaluations, these rituals where we interacted with our very being and questioned it to learn about ourselves. Love was part of that. Attraction." Another deep breath. "About a year before I ran away and - well, and everything went wrong, one of the monks was doing a seminar on this whole 'love discovery' thing. I remember sitting and entering my sort of 'inner brain' spirit world. He told us to imagine the type of people who made us experience great love, great attraction. I always saw the pretty girls we would pester after our seminars. But some boys, after we would leave, would talk about how nice they thought the other boys looked. It was almost expected, since the male monks often lived and worked separated from the women, and developed attraction to other male monks." 

The whole time Aang spoke, he was watching the sunset. They were sitting outside, both bathed in gold now from the sun. Zuko had his eyes glued to the floor. His heart was fucking pounding. 

"Zuko, for air nomads, love wasn't categorized into different labels, or orientations, or anything like that. Love was just love. Attraction just attraction. And we were encouraged, forced, even, to look in ourselves and find what sort of love sparked joy. Sometimes, some of the monks would look inside themselves and find no person sparking an attraction, a joy of love. And that was ok, too." Finally, Aang looked at Zuko and tried to measure his reaction. Read his face. He couldn't, though, it was steely and motionless. 

"When I told Katara about that - we talk a lot about old Air Nomad traditions and teaching and seminars, so that she can learn more about it and help me educate the people we bring here about the land and culture they're living in and adopting - she was pretty surprised. In the tribes, it was pretty categorized. They had all sorts of words I had never hear of before, like bisexual, pansexual, asexual. I'd met people like that before, but we didn't have names for it. She said in the northern tribe especially, it was frowned upon for a long term gay couple to exist, but lovers, mistresses, things like that - those were completely normal. It was fascinating."

"Aang, where are you going with this." Zuko wasn't prepared for his voice to sound so small. So fearful. He found Aang gray eyes with his own. Aang's head was tilted slightly to one side, like it did when he was trying to solve a puzzle or understand something tricky. Zuko tried not to feel like a problem people were trying to fix. 

"Zuko, I'm trying to help you understand Mai's reasoning. Why she did this, why she needs space. She's figuring out she's someone she never thought she could be at a later stage in her life, and maybe feels like its necessary to make up for lost time of being who she really is."

"Do you know what being demisexual means?" the question blurts from his lips without him thinking. Aang rubs his chin with his fingers, as if he had a beard and was some wise old monk. _He was sort of a wise old monk, though..._

"I'm pretty sure... don't take this as the spirits honest truth, I might be remembering it wrong, but I'm pretty sure it when someone only experiences a sexual attraction to somebody after they've made a pretty solid emotional connection with them. Like, sex doesn't interest them unless it's with somebody they really love." 

Somehow, that makes Zuko feel both worse, and better. 

So maybe Zuko wasn't so terrible at sex that Mai avoided it most of the time - but it also meant Mai really, really did love him. His heart twisted. 

It was quiet for a moment. 

"Does any of that help, Zuko?"

Zuko is silent, but give a tiny, curt nod of his head. Aang's shoulders relax a little, like he had just finished a speech he had been rehearsing for days. 

"Oh, good, cause I'd feel real bad if you sailed all the way here just to get some crappy advice from me." He flashed his award-winning, toothy grin. 

Aang's words did help him. But they also made his stomach feel like it was falling out beneath him. It made the fire in his blood burn white hot, waiting to be released. Made his throat tighten, just the tiniest bit. 

"You know, Zuko," Aang reappeared in the silence. _Oh no._

"You might want to try evaluating love for yourself soon. You're turning 20 in a couple months and-"

"Don't."

Aang is cut off mid-sentence, and he stutters. "What? I just-"

" _Don't._ " Zuko's voice is close to a growl now. Why was he doing this? Why did he come all this way, why did it feel like he was about to explode?

"Zuko-"

Zuko stood up from the table, plates and glasses clinking and clattering as his knee catches the edge of it. "I'm sorry I even came. It was stupid of me to go looking for guidance from some kid. It was stupid of me to assume that you could solve my problems for me. Just forget about it, forget we even had this conversation." The regret of lashing out at Aang immediately sat heavy on his tongue, but he was too riled with emotions to pull it back now. 

"I'm leaving in the morning."

Aang didn't say anything. He just let him storm off, watching. 

Truth be told, that night, Zuko didn't sleep. He paced through the temple, through the towers. He thought about what Aang had explained to him.

Every couple minutes, he'd close his eyes and reach into his subconscious, just for a moment. To see if anything was there. 

Something was there. And every time, it made Zuko shake his head and alight his hands with fire and want to tear his hair out and cry. Why? What in spirits name was happening to him?

Finally, he tried to sleep. And he slept late into the morning, his head swirling with worries. 

\---

When he awoke, he jerked up in bed and looked around in a sweat. The recollection of where he was steadily came back to him and he brushed a hand through his hair. It got longer by the day, it seemed. He swung his legs over the side and resolved to collect his things, thank Aang (and probably give a small apology) and be on his way back home. 

There were voices out on the large terrance at the base of the temple's tallest tower, though, as Zuko made his way to find his things. His hair was messy and clothes rumpled still from restless sleep. He figured no one would mind. As he approached the landing, though, blue fabric and white, fluffy fur caught his eye like a magnet.

And at that moment, a stone dropped into his stomach, stopping him dead in his tracks. 

Sokka stood near the balcony's edge, in animated conversation with Aang. He was wearing a thick, blue jacket with fur lining the neck, but it was fitted on his arms and they were tight with obvious muscle. He had pieces of armor on him, leg guards and animal bone features, and under his left arm, he held his wolf head helmet, now adorned with painted symbols which surely denoted his status as a warrior. His hair was once again shaved on the sides, and pulled back into his stupid little wolf's tail. A white collar wrapped around his neck, and Zuko noticed the strain of his throat against it as he spoke. And the most terrible part of it all? How when Aang noticed Zuko standing there, Sokka turned to look, and his blue eyes, his damn blue as the sky itself eyes caught Zuko's and _lit_ with sparks of joy. 

"Zuko!"

Sokka practically sprinted to where the Fire Lord was rooted in place and enveloped him in a crushing hug. Zuko was speechless to see that Sokka now had an inch or two on him in height. When the water tribe boy finally released him, the whole time asking him how he was, how good it was to see him, what a pleasant surprise, etc, etc, Zuko was held at arms length from the boy and was forced to stare straight into his face. 

Sokka's features were sharper now, his jaw pointed, chin straight. Even in the time he'd gone without seeing him, it felt like he had grown, matured. Voice deeper. Hands stronger. 

Zuko forgot that responding to questions and communicating was something he was expected to do. 

He answered in short, one word bursts, all the while feeling something burning in his chest. 

When Sokka finally turned around to go pick up the wolf helmet he had abandoned on the ground near Aang, Zuko caught the airbender's eye - who smiled, so fucking knowingly. Zuko could feel the pink blush that was already warming his face turn bright red.

The little fucking shit. 

Sokka returned and slung his arm around Zuko's shoulders, insisting Zuko give him the tour of the newly renovated towers. Zuko was so fucked. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things about to get real gay up in here my party people, stay tuned


	4. The Voyage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the bit of a wait friends, but here's the next installment of my stupid gay son who I love - enjoy! ~

Zuko fully intended to have a little _conversation_ with Aang at the first chance he got - partly to apologize, but mostly to ask _what the fuck do I do now???_

Zuko knew, deep, deep down in his gut this was where this all was headed. He just wasn't expecting it now - and wasn't expecting it with Sokka. He thought maybe, _maybe,_ one day in the very distant future, he would finally be able to sit down and confront himself and who he was, and say the words, and get it over with. Maybe meet some nice guy, settle down. It was a thought that had crossed his mind once or twice, only to be quickly snuffed out with furious hatred for himself and his future lover faster than he could think. 

Then there was that day in the Earth Kingdom, that night on the boat, the time he met Jet. 

The sprig of wheat between his lips and the way his hair fell shaggy and dark across his features made something in Zuko's core alight with fire. He remembered it, the way the lighting crackled along his skin, dangerous and frightening and exhilarating. The way his eyes, dark brown, deep, full of mysteries and secrets, seemed to catch his attention and hold it, willing him to look, _forcing_ him to stare. 

As he followed Aang and Sokka around the temple, these thoughts danced through his mind, leaping nimbley around the elephant rhino sitting in the center of his head.

Unfortunately for Zuko, Sokka insisted he stay at their sides the entire day, eating with them, regaling Zuko with stories from the South, filling him in on all of the drama. He repeatedly would grab his shoulders in the middle of animated stories, pull him by the wrist through the spires of the temple, eager, shining with brilliant light. Zuko could only catch Aang's eye periodically, letting the younger boy give him pointed looks; _we'll talk more later._

However, that later didn't ever seem to come. 

Gathered around a fire for dinner that night, Sokka stood abruptly, clearing his throat. "Gentlemen," he said, "I come here bearing the most exciting and important news from the Southern Water Tribe." He gave a regal little wave of his hand, and upturned his chin, eyes closed, lips pursed in caricature. 

"Well, don't make us wait any longer then, oh esteemed Sokka of the Southern Water Tribe." Aang mimicked a sort of 'important voice,' puffing his chest and smiling. Zuko sat, leaned back on his hands, watching the pair's ridiculous game. 

"You are looking at the Southern Water Tribe's newest chief!" he exclaims, jumping and splaying his hands out in front of him, gesturing to himself. Aang leaps up in a gust of air which hurtles him to his feet, engulfing Sokka in a hug. 

"No way! Sokka, that's incredible! Congratulations!" he says, and Sokka hugs him back, beaming. From over Aang's shoulder, he makes eye contact with Zuko, who was, despite himself, also sincerely smiling. 

"Congratulations, Sokka." he says evenly. When Aang and Sokka split, Sokka reaches down and grabs Zuko by the arm, pulling him up into a hug as well. 

"Aw, c'mon, Zuko, you can't get out of this one. You and me, we're royalty buddies now! Bros who are in charge of nations together." Zuko doesn't reciprocate the hug - just lets Sokka's arms squeeze his shoulders, his face burning red. When Sokka releases him, he takes his shoulders in both hands and holds him an arm's length away, the way he had when he had first arrived at the temple. And just as he had that morning, Zuko could look nowhere but into Sokka's face, into his brilliant, blue eyes. Eyes that caught his attention and held it, willing him to look, forcing him to stare. Bubbling with emotion. 

Zuko shook himself out of Sokka's hands and turned to sit again, not saying anything else. Sokka didn't seem to mind, though. He continued to explain the process which had gone on in the tribe to elect him to the position, the training, the etiquette, the responsibilities. Aang listening raptly, nodding, asking questions, congratulating again and again. Zuko was happy for him, really. It was a position he knew Sokka would both love and excel at - the man with the plan, the leader. But he couldn't shake the clouds hanging over his head. 

"How long are you here for?" Aang finally asks when conversation lulls for a moment. The fire was dimming and the darkness of the sky crept closer around them. With a thought, Zuko brightened it again. The flames cast an orange glow to Sokka's face which made him seem older. His smile faded a bit. 

"Only tonight. I set out tomorrow morning at dawn for the Northern Tribe on my first ambassador meeting as Chief. I'll be meeting with Paku and the other leaders about the sustained relations of the tribes, and where we'll be going from here now that I've been promoted to power." At this point, he turned his gaze on Zuko, and the smile returned, bright at ever. 

"Zuko, I don't know how long you were planning on staying, but I'll be sailing right past the Fire Nation on my way to the North, so if you'd like a ride back with some company-"

"He was actually leaving tomorrow, as well." Aang jumps in, and the heat which radiated off Zuko in a wave would have singed the hair off of the airbender if he had any. He stares daggers into the boy, but Aang keeps his gaze trained on Sokka. 

"Awesome! So you'll sail with us? I'm sure it's nowhere as nice as your fire nation ship, but they can travel back in caravan with us, and if you get tired of the Water Tribe lifestyle, you could always just get back onto your boat." he's beaming, leaning forward into the question, almost pleading. Zuko sighs. 

"Yes, I suppose I'll sail with you." 

\---

The trip would take a couple weeks to a month, depending on currents, stops for supplies, and weather impediments. After a late night, Zuko barely slept, the moon's light washing over him where he lay. He could refuse Sokka, and he knew that, claiming a number of ailments and retreating to the comforts of his own ship. Following behind blue sails, he could hole himself up in his quarters, reading, writing, communicating with Iroh about the affairs of the nation in his absence. He would most likely still see him during any stops they made for supplies and food. Often times, they would spend a night or two in Earth Kingdom villages to get a break from the waves and the ocean. Would the two still caravan then, staying at the same places? 

Zuko knew, though, that Sokka would be disappointed if he bailed. And deep down, Zuko would be disappointed, too. 

So when the sun rose and Zuko got dressed for the day ahead of him, he resigned himself to the weeks ahead and went to find his crewmate. 

The trio climbed onto Appa and flew back to the shore where two boats now rested. Fire Nation insignia blazed across the hull of Zuko's boat, and Water Tribe symbols seemed to glow against the dark wood of Sokka's ship. They landed, and all climbed off. Sokka stepped away to converse with his crew, and while Zuko turned to do the same, Aang grabbed his arm. He turned. 

"You'll be ok." Aang said, and the sincerity in his voice made Zuko almost believe him. The scowl on his face softened. "There are worse things that could happen then getting stuck on a boat with Sokka for a few weeks." 

Zuko laughed at this, a short exhalation of air more than anything. "I've been trapped with Sokka before. This isn't any different."

Aang's eyes twinkled, the gray color swirling like clouds. _It is different,_ he seemed to say, _and you know it._

"I have to tell my crew what our plan is." Zuko turned and continued to walk down the shore. He tried to stop staring as Sokka pull himself up over the side of his ship, arms, now bared in a cutoff shirt, straining with muscle. Zuko walked up the plank onto his own boat, face hot. 

In minutes, the three were back down on the beach. Zuko had a backpack slung over his shoulder with his personal belongings from his quarters, some clothes, and some of his favorite snacks he had brought with him. Aang hugged Sokka first, wishing him safe travels, good luck in his endeavors in the north, and congratulating him once again on becoming Chief. When the two released, Aang turned and opened his arms wide, smiling even wider. Zuko sighed and rolled his eyes, bending to hug his friend. 

"Good luck." he whispers, head turned away from Sokka, who is patiently waiting to board the ship together. He squeezes his arms even tighter around Zuko, and Zuko lets his hands ball up into the fabric of Aang's shirt. 

"Thank you." he replies, almost silently. 

Zuko follows behind Sokka, and Aang boards Appa, sitting in the saddle as he watches the boats drift away. Zuko and Sokka stand at the railing, watching Aang get smaller and smaller. 

"Well-!" Sokka slaps his hand on Zuko's back, and Zuko rocks forward out of the shock of it. His hands grip the side of the boat. "What are your plans for the voyage ahead of us?"

Zuko turns and thumbs the strap of his bag. "I was thinking I'd set up where I'll be sleeping. I brought some of my things with me."

Sokka nods and ushers him to the belly of the ship, where there are doors to the quarters for the crew and its passengers. Sokka walks him down to the end of the hall. 

"Now, these here are my quarters." Sokka toes open the door on the left with his boot, and it reveals a lavish space, most likely bigger than anything else on the ship. Blue curtains hang on the walls with the Water Tribe insignia. Large chests are up against the walls, filled no doubt with clothing and whatever Sokka has chosen to bring with him. A few swords adorn the wall on hooks, displayed, but clearly meant for use, too. Sokka's bed it large and looks feathery soft. 

"Across the hall, here, is what you could stay in. Now, I know it's much smaller than what you're used to, so if you would rather stay in my quarters with me, you can drag your bunk in here and we'll split the space. But if that-"

Zuko examines the room as Sokka speaks. He's right - it's tiny, and the decorations are slim. The bed is in the corner of the room and is smaller than Sokka's. One chest rests in the opposite corner. Despite it, Zuko says, "No, this will be fine. Thank you, Sokka."

"No problemo, buddy." Sokka slaps his shoulder. "I'm just glad you decided to sail with us. It's been so long since we've hung out properly."

Zuko pulls his mouth into a half smile. "It has. Clearly, you've been busy."

Sokka beams. "Welcome aboard the Southern Water Tribe Chief's personal ship!"

\---

A couple days pass where the two pass the hours sparring on the deck of the ship, reading, eating, and chatting. The routine they fall into comes so easily it's almost frightening. Zuko forgot about how well they worked together. Whenever Sokka used to visit the palace, they always fell into easy friendship in a matter of hours, following each other through the halls, Sokka's stupid jokes always making Zuko smile. Their sparring sessions were always legendary, and it was no different here. 

Out on the open sea, the two of them would line up on the deck, Zuko wielding a sword of Sokka's and Sokka twirling his own favorite blade. It had taken a few sessions for Zuko to become acclimated to the blade, but quickly, the sparring became so even that matches would go on for what felt like hours, the two boys sweating and panting by the end of it. They would lay on the deck often times after that, staring at the sky. 

It had been probably around 4 or 5 days since they had left, and they had just finished a sparring session that had gone on late into the evening. Zuko had lit torches which lined the rail of the deck, illuminating their fighting. A pair of guards stood next to the entrance to the ship's sleeping quarters. The aroma of dinner wafted from it. 

The two collapsed on the deck, breathing so hard Zuko thought that fire would start coming from his lungs. The swords clattered onto the deck beside them, hands splaying out at their sides. They star-fished like this for a while, catching their breath. The stars passed them sweetly overhead. 

Zuko was acutely aware of the proximity of Sokka's hand to his own. Zuko was acutely aware of many things these days. 

Sokka brought his hand up to scratch at his neck, pulling at the necklace there, before flopping the arm back down dramatically as if gravity had increased ten fold. When he did, his hand came flopping back down on top of Zuko's. Sokka's hand was palm up, so his knuckles came to rest in the palm of Zuko's hand. Zuko's heart about damn near stopped. He held his breath and became perfectly still, eyes trained to the sky. He could hear Sokka turn his head against the deck to look across at Zuko from where he lay. He must have seen the blind panic in Zuko's expression because just as quickly as his hand had landed there, Sokka pulled it away and sat up, leaning against his forearms. He cleared his throat. 

"You hungry?" he asked, nonchalant. Zuko forgot how to speak. There was an awkward burst of silence. 

"Zuko?"

"Huh?" Zuko lifted his head and met Sokka's eyes. 

"I asked if you were hungry."

"Oh. Yeah. Yeah I could eat."

"Ok." Sokka stood, and lingered for a moment as if he were going to help Zuko get up. Then, he just said, "I'll go and get it. I'll be right back."

Zuko knew that the crew were supposed to bring their dinner for them at Sokka's call, but he didn't object to the boy leaving him for a moment to collect his thoughts. 

He sat up and pulled his knees into his chest, resting his elbow on them. He picked up the blade which Sokka loaned him and studied the details of the metalwork. This might have been Toph's doing, he thought to himself, thumb running over the lines and designs. His mind wandered to the feeling of Sokka's rough knuckles against his palm, the way his fingers twitched slightly, how Zuko's own fingers were desperately to curl around into Sokka's palm. And then he thought about Suki. 

Why would Sokka have done that? Weren't he and Suki still together? Was it an accident, and Zuko was imagining the way that Sokka rolled his head over to gaze at Zuko across the deck, their hands touching? 

"Soup's on!" Sokka's voice scared the fucking daylight out of Zuko and he jumped, looking up to find the boy with two plates of food on each arm. "Your dinner, your firey-ness." He gave a mock bow and handed Zuko the plate. Zuko tried not to let his hands shake at all. It was probably just exhaustion. He hadn't been sleeping well in that room of his. 

"Thank you." Zuko accepted the meal and watched Sokka sit down cross-legged across from him, already digging into his food. They sat in a silence that didn't blanket them the way the normal friendly silences used to. Zuko, after lengthily chewing the same bite of food for what felt like hours, worked up the balls to open his mouth. 

"How is Suki?" he asked. Sokka smiled. 

"Oh, she's great! Yeah, still working in the Earth Kingdom. I haven't seen her in a little while, but she writes."

Zuko tries not to let his heart sink. 

"Oh, that's good. It must be hard not seeing her." Sokka shrugs. 

"Yeah, but I know she's doing what needs to be done. I'm proud of her."

Zuko pushes his food around. He should probably tell Sokka before he asks - it'll be less awkward that way. 

"Mai broke up with me."

Sokka pauses and looks up at him. "Oh, Zuko, I'm so sorry to hear that. What happened?"

_So he doesn't know. Katara didn't tell him._

"She just wanted to... see other people. For a while." he tried his best to keep it nonchalant. Nonchalance wasn't ever exactly Zuko's strong suit, though. Sokka shook his head. 

"Well, she's got no clue what she's letting go." He leans forward and puts his hand on Zuko's shoulder, and Zuko swears that Sokka's been touchier than he normally was back when he used to visit the palace. "I know how a breakup feels, so I totally get what you're going through, buddy." 

Zuko looks up at the moon rising over the horizon. "Yeah, right." he shrugs, "Not a 1 to 1 comparison, but I appreciate it, Sokka."

Sokka looks up at the sky, then back to Zuko. "No, silly, I mean Suki." When he sees the confusion on Zuko's face, he seems surprised. "You didn't know? We broke up about a year ago." 

Zuko is at a loss for words. "What? I-"

Sokka shakes his head. "Man, I can't believe I never told you that. Or that you didn't hear it from anybody else! I thought for sure Toph would have spilled it by now..." he takes another bite of food. "Yeah, we split a while back. Things just weren't working out for the long term, you know? We ended on pretty good terms, and by this point we're good friends again. Just wasn't gonna be good for us going forward, to keep it romantic, you know?"

Zuko's mind was reeling. "Damn, Sokka, I'm so sorry to hear that. Suki is great."

Sokka smiles. "It's my bad for never telling you. And, yeah, she is." he shrugs though, leaning back on one hand. "But there's other fish in the sea. We weren't the koi for one another." 

Another silence blankets them. Then Sokka sits up. "This is perfect for you then, Zuko. Just what you need right now. Two bachelors, set sail across the globe, with nothing to do and no one to see. I'll help you get through it, no problem!" And the smile which graces Sokka's face is enough to make a shiver go from the crown of Zuko's head all the way to his toes. And Zuko can't help but think that getting over Mai isn't going to be the problem of this trip. He's afraid his heart already has eyes for somebody else. 


	5. Crash and Burn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all are so nice, i love seeing the friendly faces in the comments :,) i hope you enjoy the next installment of "queer idiots"! (a wee bit longer this time!)

Zuko lays awake that night, staring at the ceiling of the small quarters Sokka had assigned to him. It would be lying to say that Zuko wasn't spoiled - sure, he was banished and sailed at sea for what felt like eons, but in the 3 years since the peace was established, he'd been living out his every day getting waited on hand and foot, sleeping in lavish beds in rooms bigger than this entire ship.

But he wasn't upset about it - he shifted and tried to ignore the ache that was steadily growing in his back. He knew that it was just how life on a Southern Water Tribe's ship would be. Even the crew, the 'servants,' were not actually servants - they were more like Sokka's friends, warriors who accompanied their new chief in his travels. Far different than what Zuko was used to. 

He sort of liked the change. 

The crew didn't bow their heads every time Zuko looks their way, or step aside to give him a wide berth when he walked. Rather, they struck up conversation with Zuko whenever he was standing alone, looking out over the water, or wandering the ship at night. That camaraderie was comforting. 

Zuko turned over on his side and the bed beneath him creaked. He stared at the wall now, hands folded against his chest. He held out his left hand and examined his palm, the lines there. How it had held Sokka's own hand, just for a moment, just as an accident. 

_Listen to yourself,_ Zuko chided in his own head. He was getting wrapped up in an _accident._ A brush of a hand. 

He really did have some shit to work out, didn't he?

Zuko closed his eyes and willed himself to succumb to sleep, all the while, the blinding blue of Sokka's eyes torching the back of his eyelids. 

\---

Zuko arose not to the morning sun, but to a loud bang followed by a particularly obnoxious, " _Goooooooooooood Morning!"_ The shock of the noise and sudden outburst made Zuko jump and flail, ultimately rolling backwards and out of his bed onto the floor. If he wasn't aware of the pain in his back before, he certainly was now. He looked up at the doorway with a scowl to see Sokka, beaming, hands holding himself up on either doorframe. His chest leaned forward with all his weight, feet back outside of the room. "Rise and shine, grumpy pants!" he sung, stepping into the room and offered a hand down to Zuko. "I've got plans for today."

Zuko sat there on the ground, not taking Sokka's hand, so Sokka bent down and threaded his hands under Zuko's armpits, lifting him with frightening ease. The contact, despite doing everything he could to hold it in, made Zuko start to uncontrollably laugh and writhe to get out of Sokka's hands. Sokka let go in surprise, mouth agape. Then a wicked grin spread across his face.

"No way." he said. Zuko had stepped back now, one hand around his stomach, and the other out in front of him, warding Sokka away. 

"Choose your next words. Very. Carefully." his voice is but a growl. Sokka's grin only widens. 

" _You're ticklish."_

Zuko's heart is hammering. "No. I'm not. You just caught me by surprise." He does his best to put on his authoritative Fire Lord voice. It comes out as more of a pathetic whisper. But Sokka takes another step towards him, arms outstretched. Zuko raises his hand and looks pointedly at Sokka, trying to communicate through his eyes that if he so much as lays a hand on Zuko, he would torch that pretty smirk right off his face. 

"This. Is by far. The best news I have ever received." and with a dive, Sokka wraps Zuko up in his arms and goes for his sides. Zuko yelps, struggling, but between the tickling and the fact that _Sokka is a whole lot stronger than he even thought holy shit_ , he's powerless. His laugh is ringing out, loud and uncontrolled, almost like a scream sometimes, and Sokka is laughing too, the sound low and rumbling from where Zuko's head is pressed against his chest. 

Zuko gets the peace of mind to send a few sparks reeling from his fingertips which catch a piece of Sokka's fur lining aflame, and as soon as Sokka lets go, Zuko turns on the jets and races out the bedroom door, down the hall and up to the deck to escape his captor. 

"Hey, wha - Zuko! Not fair!" he can hear Sokka yell, but Zuko falls back, back against the rail of the ship, breathing harder than he has in a really long time. He's furious, and winded, and can't stop the smile that keeps tugging on the edges of his mouth. 

Sokka appears at the entrance to the hallway down, brushing a little bit of ash from his collar. "Not cool, man." he says, but he's smiling too. 

"Well maybe next time, don't assault me." 

Sokka gives a look of mock horror. "Zuko, I would never!" he holds up his hands in surrender. Zuko hardly believes him, and stays on the defensive. Sokka takes one step back. "I promise, man, I'm done, I'm done. No more." and his eyes fucking sparkle. Zuko finally lowers his hands. 

"So why were you so rudely waking me up again?" Zuko asks sourly, rolling his shoulders back and hearing a symphony of pops and cracks. Sokka claps his hands together. A grin takes over his face. 

"We are having a bro day, you and me Z, a day to decompress and blow off some steam." While he talks, Sokka walks forward and throws his arm around Zuko's shoulders. Zuko flinches just for a second before relaxing again as Sokka spins them around to look out off the deck. It's only now that Zuko even realizes that they aren't moving. 

The ship is docked in a tiny harbor. Zuko spots his own ship about a hundred meters away, taking up the second of three docks that the tiny village harbored. Zuko could see the homes and shops a little ways up the hill in front of them, a little dirt path cutting through the terrain. It had the unmistakeable mark of earth-bending, the lines too smooth and clean for it to be hand carved. 

"Go get dressed and we'll head out." Sokka releases him and turns to go get ready himself. Zuko realizes only now that he's been shirtless the entire time. The feeling of Sokka's hands on his skin, his arm slung around his shoulder, is like a burn, tingling, sending a chill down his spine. His face, he's sure, turns as red as the fire nation pants tied around his hips. He follows Sokka wordlessly back down to his own quarters. 

\---

As they're climbing the path up to the village, Zuko finally asks, "So what's the plan for today?" Sokka smiles. 

"Well, I was thinking we could look for a new sword for you. My crew-mates said that this place is pretty well known for their smithing, and I figured you'd like to have a weapon all your own to spar with. Maybe even something you'd start carrying on the regular." Sokka shrugged. "That's what we're starting with, anyway."

The sentiment pulls at Zuko's heart. He tries to keep himself in check though, playing things casual. "Oh. That'd be great, Sokka. I'd like that."

And Sokka beams as they reach the top of the hill. 

There are people milling around between the buildings - Zuko assumes that these are the shops. There are awnings and carts of food and children running between adults who are making trades and purchases. Behind Zuko and Sokka, two of Zuko's guards follow, at a distance, but close enough that should anything happen... Zuko tries to dismiss the thought. He tries to ignore their presence. And he cringes at the recognition and fear he feels pass through the faces of those in the village, seeing their new guests arrive. Sokka and Zuko begin to walk through the markets. As they pass, parents tug their children by the shoulder closer to their body, almost shielding them. But their faces wear smiles, forced, but bright. 

"Fire Lord Zuko. Ambassador Sokka. It's an honor." one says as they stop to browse a cart full of fresh fruit and vegetables. Zuko notices Sokka doesn't correct them, just smiles. 

"We'll take these, thank you." He says, paying the merchant and pocketing the goods in a large cloth sack. They continue walking. The pair make their way through the smaller shops and see, in the distance, a larger building with smoke billowing from from the roof. "That must be our destination!" Sokka picks up his pace, dragging Zuko behind him. He holds Zuko around the wrist. Zuko stares at his hand while they jog up to the shop.

Stepping inside, the two are greeted by a wide selection of weaponry - daggers, swords, sabers, even some brass knuckles and nunchuck-type instruments. The shopkeep swiftly steps out from behind the counter and bows at the waist. "Fire Lord Zuko, Ambassador Sokka, it's an honor." His greeting is identical to the murmurs they received outside. The pair smile, and Zuko lifts his hand. 

"Please, there's no need. We're just visiting here. There is a rumor you sell some fine weaponry. I'm in the market for a new sword, or perhaps dual swords, if you have any."

The shopkeep nods vigorously. "Oh, yes, yes, please, let me retrieve the smith, she will be able to help you much more than I can, and I'm sure she would be honored to see you both in her shop." The man runs off to a back room, and, Zuko imagines, outside to enter the other building adjacent to this one. Sokka scratches his chin, bending to look at a bejeweled dagger. He picks it up and twirls it.

"This look like my style?"

It takes everything in Zuko not to remark that the gems on the hilt sparkle with the same color of his eyes. "Could be, if you wanted to be the 'dagger guy' now."

Sokka waves him off. "Psh. Like I'd ever disrespect my boomerang like that. Don't be silly."

At that moment, a woman comes walking into the shop, furiously wiping her hands on an apron tied around her waist. The shopkeep is holding a welding mask, presumably her own. She is short, but stockier in build, clearly muscular and worn from her trade. Her hair is tied back, jet black, a few stray strands sticking to her face with sweat. The ponytail swings as she walks to meet them, holding out one hand and bowing her head. 

"My lord, it's an honor." Zuko shakes her hand and can feel years worth of callouses, the hands of a master of her trade. She does the same to Sokka who, Zuko notes, it smiling down at the woman. His eyes are glued to her face, her own brown eyes deep and dark, lines crinkling the edges of them. When she smiles and splays her hands in front of her, motioning to the shop, he watches Sokka's head cock to the side slightly, a smirk pulling at his lips, and _oh._ Zuko's heart sinks to the floor. 

"Welcome! I'm so humbled to have you in my shop. Please, what can I help you find today?"

The next hour is spent looking at every blade the woman had crafted, every hilt, every sheath and guard and even the few pieces of armor she had to offer. Zuko left the shop carrying a pair of beautiful swords, similar to his own, but with a beautiful, dark green hilt and the insignia of the four nations inscribed into the metal of the blade, which gleamed as they stepped into the sun. "I made them shortly after the war was finished," Biyu, the blacksmith, described. "They were a symbol of peace, my pride and joy."

The swords were not cheap, but Zuko was not short on money, and so paid the woman well and thanked her profusely. She blushed the entire time. 

Zuko began to walk back down towards the shops, but Sokka stopped him. "No no no, come on, this way." he led him up the mountain further, following the path thaw wound through the homes of the villagers. 

"Where are we going?"

"To try your new swords, duh." Sokka says, a smile pressed onto his face - one which, Zuko noted, had been there since the moment they entered Biyu's shop. Zuko, ever the genius, decided to open his mouth. 

"She was pretty."

Sokka turns to look at Zuko inquisitively. "Who?" And spirits, he wants to smack him. 

"Biyu." He clarifies. And Sokka does a little "ah" shape with his mouth, focussing his eyes back to the path. He smiles. "Yeah, she was pretty." but he shrugs. "Not really my type, though."

Zuko stares at him, confused. "What, like strong, beautiful, and good with swords isn't your type?" Sokka laughs. 

"No, no, she was super cool. Sounds like somebody else might've had a crush though, huh?" he elbows Zuko, who turns red. 

"What? No- no, no.." he trails off. _I'm not..._

Sokka grabs his hand. "C'mon, forget Biyu. You've got some new weapons to put to the test against a swordfighiting _master._ " As they crest the hill, there's a wide expanse of open land, dotted with a couple trees and rocks. Zuko stares. 

"How'd you know this was here?" Sokka shrugs. 

"I didn't. Just sort of hoped for that good dramatic reveal."

At that, Zuko smiles.

And Sokka is still holding onto his hand. 

Sokka, who after pulling him over the hill, had stopped, catching his breath, was still there, ahead of him, arm outstretched behind him, hand holding Zuko's. 

And spirits, Zuko would've sworn on the sun itself that right before he finally let go, Sokka gave his hand a little squeeze. 

"Alright, _My Lord,_ " Sokka runs out about 10 feet in front of Zuko and gives a mock bow. "Let's see what that weapon of yours can do."

And fuck it if Zuko doesn't blush even harder. But he pulls the dual swords from their sheaths and settles into his stance. He twirls each sword in his hand and drums his fingers against the grips. 

"Alright. Let's do this."

They spar for hours, Zuko clumsy at first with the new blades, but quickly finding his footing and matching Sokka in every fight. The sun was high in the sky now, directly overhead, and they were both sweating. Zuko could feel it on the back of his neck and across his upper lip, and he caught the glint of it across Sokka's forehead. Only after Zuko disarmed and pinned Sokka to the ground, both panting, did they finally stop. 

"You're a quick learner." Sokka comments, accepting Zuko's hand up. Zuko rolls his eyes, as if he hasn't been training with swords for a decade or more. They both stand, and Sokka sheaths his sword, so Zuko follows suit, cocking his head. 

"And now - lunch." Sokka smiles and starts to run back towards the path. Zuko trots after him, but Sokka holds up a hand. "Nope, no no, you stay right up here. I'll be right back."

So Zuko watches him go, and sits down in the grass, back up against a rock, catching his breath. The guards are standing at the end of the path coming up the hill, one facing him, one facing the path. As he tends to do, while he sits there waiting, Zuko thinks. 

Sokka certainly had eyes for Biyu, he knew it. He knew that smile and those eyes. And he also knew - deep down, he knew exactly why it bothered him so much. His heart thrummed in his chest, from exertion or otherwise, he wasn't sure. The thought of Sokka in the shop, staring at Biyu, made his stomach knot and he dug his fingernails into his palms. Without thinking, he put his thumb against his lip and chewed at the nail. Katara yelled at him every time she saw the nervous habit, and he smiled inwardly thinking about what she'd be saying if she were here. He thought about the air temple. The conversation he'd had with Aang. How much he'd lost his temper. Why had he let himself get so angry? But he knew the answer to that - because what Aang was saying was hitting dangerously close to home, was striking a nerve which had never before been exposed. I mean, Zuko wasn't the most open person on the planet, and the thought of having to dive into himself, and beyond that, letting somebody else dive into his being and find out secrets he didn't even acknowledge yet was incredibly terrifying. Even if it was just Aang, or Katara. Or-

But no. He couldn't. He hadn't even truly admitted it to himself yet. What was he expecting, to sit with Sokka and spill his guts? No way. 

He scooted away from the rock and flopped onto his back, staring at the clouds. The sky was peeking, bright blue, from behind all the white. _Sokka's eyes were prettier._

Zuko slapped his hand onto his face, covering his eyes and sighed. _Stop that. That needs to end here. You're being ridiculous._

Zuko let his hand flop back onto the ground, but kept his eyes closed, the sunlight making the insides of his eyelids look orange. He breathed deeply, expelling any and all thought of Sokka and his muscles and his hands and his eyes out of his head. 

"Whatcha doin'?" 

Zuko jumped, eyes popping open, and was met immediately with those fucking eyes. 

"Spirits, Sokka, you scared the shit out of me." He sat up. 

"Well then, maybe don't lay on the ground with your eyes closed." He handed Zuko a container of food. "Eat up, courtesy of West Hoshan."

"Thank you." Zuko begins eating almost immediately, not realizing how hungry he had been. Sokka sits down across from him and begins eating too. There's a momentary, comfortable silence. 

"What else is on the docket, plan guy?" Zuko asks, taking a drink of water. Sokka shrugs.

"You'll just have to wait and see, huh?"

At that, Zuko laughs. They talk for a while as they finish their food, about life in the Southern Water Tribe, about meetings and stupid, uppity Fire Nation officials. They talk about time, how long it's been, since everything. 

"You every think about how crazy it is that you'll be turning 20 soon?" Sokka laughs and shakes his head. Zuko considers it. 

"It is crazy, especially since you won't be far behind me, chief." Zuko's taken to calling Sokka chief - it seems to elicit a smile that he's grown to like. _Zuko... come on..._

"Spirits, that day in the South Pole - when you launched me right into that snowbank?" Sokka looks out over the horizon. "We were just fucking kids." 

"We still feel like kids." Zuko clarifies. "At least, I do."

"Oh please." Sokka teases. "You've been acting like an adult since you were probably 10."

Zuko laughs. "You'd be surprised. I was forced to do a lot of growing up - before then, well, things were... different."

Sokka leans in. "Oh, I'm sorry - if I offended you, or anything." But while he's speaking, Zuko shakes his head. 

"No, no, there's no way you would have known."

"Zuko, can I pry?"

The question catches Zuko a bit off guard, and for a moment, he's going to say no, but there's no reason for him to - Zuko's not hiding anything from Sokka. Right?

"About your past - your life as a kid, in the Fire Nation - I mean, what was it like? What happened?"

Zuko had told everyone that he had been banished - sent away on a quest for the Avatar to restore his honor. For some reason, though, none of them knew it was his own father who scarred him. Burned him. Banished him for speaking out of turn. It was like some part of him was... protecting a piece of Ozai. He could never fathom why, but every time he went to tell one of them what had really happened, all the details, he'd stop himself short. He stared at Sokka, who was sitting there, waiting, patient, quiet. "If you don't want to talk about it, you definitely don't have to." He interjects, his voice soft. "I'm sorry. I'm just curious." 

"It's ok, Sokka. It's been a long time." He takes a breath, and it's true, it has been a long time. Somehow, though, he still feels 13. Still feels scared. 

"I was a total momma's boy." and he smiles, and it lightens his heart when Sokka smiles, too. _Me too,_ he seems to hear Sokka think, can feel the sentiment in his expression. "I spent as much time as I could with her. My father was too busy, he didn't have time and certainly didn't make it for me. There were pockets that were ok, when he would allow me to put on his big shoulder piece or when I'd peek through the doors into the throne room. But mostly, I was with my mother, her teaching me, raising me." Zuko toys with the hem of his pants. "The Fire Nation - well, I guess I can't speak for it much. I almost never left the palace walls. Sort of the same story, these days.." he laughs dryly. "But I can tell you, palace life was stuffy and full of rules and cold. People were always staring, were always following me around, giving me orders, telling me what to do, how to be. And Azula -" 

The name sticks on his lips, and he pauses. Sokka shuffles, bringing himself a little bit closer. Zuko takes a deep breath. There's a wave of anxiety rolling in his stomach, he can feel it. But it's Sokka. He can do this. He's almost 20 years old. He doesn't need to protect his father from his worst crime. His secret. 

"When I was 13, my father let me sit in on a war meeting. I spoke out of turn, disobeyed my father, went against the orders he was giving to his generals. He was going to sacrifice Fire Nation troops - for no good reason. I couldn't just... sit there..." the breath that Zuko drug into his lungs was shaky, he could hear it as he brought it in. Sokka's eyebrows were furrowed in confusion and concentration, head cocked slightly to the left. He put a hand out on Zuko's knee. 

"He - it was a direct offense. A threat on his authority. He challenged me to an Agni Kai. Do you-" he hesitates. Zuko doesn't know if he has the energy to explain what an Agni Kai is. 

"I know what those are, Iroh explained it to me once." Sokka's hand squeezed Zuko's knee, and Zuko nodded. 

"We had our Agni Kai. I wouldn't fight him. I just - knelt, and begged him to forgive me, apologizing - crying -" Zuko's breathing was even shakier now, coming in short huffs. The anxiety wave broke over him and drenched him, and his hands shook in clenched fists. He had been staring at the ground this entire time, but he blinked, and tears had begun welling, threatening to spill. _No. It's been 7 years. You're fucking stronger than this. You're-_

A tear slipped out on the next blink and hit the grass. Sokka saw it fall.

Immediately, Sokka was on his knees and his arms were wrapped around Zuko's neck, head buried in Zuko's neck. Zuko can't move - he's frozen on the spot and spirits, he's never told this story to anyone. But it's been plenty of time for him to have gotten over it - he should be fine, he should be fine. 

"You don't have to finish. It's ok. You're safe now. He'll never be able to hurt you, not ever again. I'm so, so sorry." Sokka's arms tighten around Zuko, and the words hang on his tongue, _he did it, he did this, he ruined me, branded me forever,_ but he just sits, mouth open, and tears begin to flow freely from his eyes. Slowly, he lifts his hands and fist them into the fabric of Sokka's shirt. The anxiety is constricting his heart and he feels like he's going to throw up. In one motion, he detaches himself from Sokka and stands, hand clasped over his mouth, pacing, eyes closed, breathing. He knows Sokka is saying something, but he can't hear. _In. Out. In. Out._ With every breath, he feels the threat of bile, but swallows, swallows, swallows. His heart beats so fast he's sure Sokka can hear. He hasn't had an attack like this in about a year, not since before the meeting with the Earth King. 

After a couple of minutes, Zuko finally comes back down to earth. He stops pacing. Removes his hand from his mouth. Clasps both hands at his stomach, picking at his fingernails. 

Shame rolls over him. He can't open his eyes. 

But when he does, Sokka is standing a few feet away, waiting, staring, and the _concern..._

Zuko walks back towards him and as soon as he puts his hands out to hug the boy, Sokka beats him to it and encircles him in his arms. Zuko releases his breath. He's a mess. His face is red, he knows it, and stained with tears. He's shaking, he notes distantly. 

"Zuko, it's alright. It's going to be alright." Sokka has been soothing sentiments like this the whole time, softly against Zuko's ear. His hand is splayed against his back, and after what feels like an eternity, he holds Zuko an arms distance away, shoulders in his hands. Zuko can't meet his eyes. 

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you about it, this is humiliating-"

"Zuko. Please." he takes a hand and _spirits,_ holds Zuko's face, lifting it up to meet his eyes. Sokka's thumb is resting against his scar. It taps there, three times. "It's taking every bone in my body to not rage completely and curse your father's name to every spirit I can think of. I'm glad you told me. I'm honored you felt like you could tell your story. And you're safe. You're safe now, and you're safe here. On this mountain, on our trip." he lets a small smile play back onto his face, and now he looks like Sokka again. "You're safe with me."

His heart thrums, and the good kind of beat, where the rhythm is calculated and purposeful, not sporadic, not trying to keep you alive and kill you all at once. 

"Come here." Sokka pulls Zuko's hands and they sit back in the grass. From the containers Sokka bought in the market, he pulls two moon peaches, and hands one to Zuko. 

"How bout I tell you about the time that I got lost on a fishing trip and the tribe had to send out the entire military fleet of ships to come find me?" he asks, and Zuko is hyper aware of how their legs are touching, both leaning against that same big rock. He nods. 

"I would like that."


End file.
